Saturday, August 26, 2006


Isolated he trudged through the snow. Dusk had been replaced by evening and snow began to fall. The tiny flakes pelted his face and got in his eyes. The forest was cold and mean and wind forced him back making walking difficult. Despite the lack of winter clothes, he didn't feel cold. He felt calm like he almost belonged there. Beyond the clearing where he stood was a line of trees that seemed to melt into darkness. A high-pitched sound pierced his ears. In the sound encoded data started to fill his brain. What is happening to me? Is someone uploading data to my head? The signal is faint now but it seems to be getting stronger. He looked up at the sky that there is no visible sign of the signal. Where is coming from? In the distance he could make out a wireframe obelisk. A mid-sized structure it dominated the clearing but he had not seen it before. As he got closer to the obelisk the signal intensified. The sleeves of his T-shirt flapped madly in the wind. How am I not cold? He didn't know.

As he walked up the mound to wear the obelisk was, he could make out a person there. Someone he had seen before a number of times but did not know. Why was this person here? Where the fuck am I? As he got closer he saw the person down on his knees, like he was praying.
"What are you doing here?" He asked. The praying man didn't even turn his head to respond.
"This is where I am supposed to be, what about you?". His response was cool and collected almost reasonable.
"Tell me what your fucking doing here!” He screamed back. All of a sudden, the frequency got louder. He put his hands to his head and started screaming in pain. The pain was unbearable, somebody was uploading data to his brain and he could not deal with it. His head began to spin and he felt light almost detached from his physical being. For a moment it felt like he was flying without ever leaving the ground. The signal was coming faster than he was physically able to process. The praying man lept to his feet and turned around.
"Are you okay?"
"I've got this problem, I don't...". Mid sentence, the man was a rag dolled by the same force that made him feel like he was light and flying. He rolled off the side of the mound into a snow-covered ditch. He was covered in snow and ice but he was not wet or cold. The praying man ran to his side and looked over him and everything went black.

He woke up in exactly the same position. It was still night the forest was still there but everything felt completely different. Everything felt older, much older. The high-pitched frequency sound was gone. All that remained was clarity. He picked himself up the praying man was gone. There were no footprints anywhere. A fresh layer of snow had covered the ground but not him. How long was I asleep? Was it even sleep? He turned around to the side of the clearing, a road had been formed in the snow. It was a road he hadn't noticed before. The tire marks were massive. Bigger than any truck or car he had ever seen. Snow was not falling any more and as he peered down the road. Two sets of headlights appeared. They became closer and closer until he could make out a red glossy truck. The truck had two carriages and was designed to haul gravel, dirt, cement or any other substance. As the truck drew closer to him he could make out the yellow bio hazard sign marking its sides and bonnet.

He waited anxiously by the side of the road as the truck pulled up. There may have been 1 passenger and a driver, it was difficult to make out in the light. The door opened and a man about his size got out. He looked in sheer horror as the man who got out looked exactly like he does. Everything about this man was the same except his eyes. Black as sapphires his eyes were oval shaped like some sort of strange insect. Light reflected off the top of these ovals. The truck driver looked blankly at him. The man looked back and screamed.
"Who are you?". He asked. He had so many other questions but could not form the words to ask them.
"What year is this?". He asked again, without even pausing after the first question. The truck driver looked back at him blankly and walked coolly over to the other side of the road. Did he just walk? Here's over the other side of the road but I didn't even notice him getting there. He followed and took a position on the other side of a series of rusty metallic plates covering what could then hatch. The plates were smaller than the hatch. They will put together like a jigsaw puzzle, a makeshift cover. The plates to look very stable and he did not want a walk on them. The truck driver looked up and smiled pointing to a location on the plates. After pointing to the location his figure became blurry and he vanished for a split-second. After vanishing he appeared exactly where he had pointed. The truck driver repeated this several times as he seemed to effortlessly transport himself across the different locations he pointed to. Ending out at his starting location the truck driver pointed, gesturing that he do the same. He tried to do the same, moving one-way and then trying to teleport the other. He failed. The truck driver kept teleporting around much to his irritation. He repeated his initial two questions.
"Who the fuck are you? What year is this?" the truck driver refused to answer. He got frustrated and grabbed a shovel clipped to the side of the truck. With the shovel he proceeded to smash the windscreen of the truck.
"Tell me what year this is"? He screamed as he smashed the driver-side window. The truck driver looked up and teleported back into his truck. He smashed the passenger side window as the truck pulled away off into the distance. He was left there wondering, contemplating without any answers.

Monday, August 21, 2006

The selfishness of relationships

Relationships whether it be friendships or something more romantic are inherently selfish. People look for justification amongst others. To validate their own worth. It's an inherent human trait. Calling someone your friend is the ultimate justification for this trait. People talk about friendship all the time. They talk about what it means to be a friend and who their good friends are. Do we really have a clear idea of what's required by friendship? Is friendship the selfless act that everyone believes to be?

I know a lot of people who define themselves by the amount of women they can seduce. It's not so much having a relationship it's more a brief interaction. To me, this is the most honest type of relationship. For the brief period it exists, generally it's completely mutual. Some might argue that relationships are twofold and bidirectional. Both parties reap rewards from a single situation. How could that be a bad thing? Well, it's not however this is the exception to the trend. How many times do you hear of one person taking advantage of another person on the premise of a relationship? How do we know that people like each other? It seems to me that there are so many relationships out there in which the couple hate each other. Why would they stay in a relationship like this? Surely it must be a means to their own ends. How could this possibly be a relationship?A fair relationship, how hard must that be?

How can I possibly let myself get close to anyone knowing this? Why should I let them feed off me for their own selfish needs? Why should I feel bad when I don't let them feed off me to their own selfish needs? Why do I feel so guilty every time I push them away? It seems like an impossible unfair situation that I get put in everyday. Why do people put me in this position? They make me angry! Am I being unfair by thinking life is not a two-way street? Maybe I am being selfish writing this article in the first place? It sure doesn't make me feel any better. I just want these false relationships to go away and stop putting expectations on me, stop raising the bar for me. It's not fair yet they are so blind they cannot see it. All my friends only care about themselves. Because of this I hate myself and the hate the others who are making me hate myself. They don't care.

Friday, August 18, 2006

Insomnia and project work

It's been a while since I've updated my blog so I thought I might as well do it now because I have a few minutes. Lately I have been very busy with university work. I have also been busy with my job. There is a lot happening in my life right now. I need it that way. My being needs it that way.

The nature of my university course and the work I am doing lend themselves to a lot of late nights. As I write this post its getting onto one in the morning. If I get to bed by 130 I will be doing well. Why is that I stay up so late? Why do I go out of my way to make myself tired the next day? Even now as I type I could go to bed. I feel sleepy enough. But no, I stay up writing posts for this stupid blog. If I went to sleep now that would be easy. That would be a copout. Not me, I am tough and resolute. Sleep will never capture me nor tiredness weary me.

My university course offers a major project in the final year. I am starting the project now. Put simply it's a wireless access protocol port. What is that mean? I have absolutely no idea but it sounds really cool. Essentially my group's task is to develop content for the Internet so that students of the university can access it on their mobile phones. I am told that it's pretty cutting edge work and hopefully there are career opportunities at the end for me. Who knows?

To Gayle, thank you for posting a reply to "this is me". When I wrote that blog there was a lot going on inside my head. It was fantastic to get it out. Thank you fuel feedback and I was glad I was able to affect you not necessarily in a bad way to affect you all the same. It's always nice to hear that someone else has the same problems as you.

Anyway, about ago now I'm quite literally ready to fall asleep. This post has been very descriptive and conversational. It's a lot easier to produce a conversational post, and it feels a lot more natural when you're writing it. You might see a lot more of these in the future.

Tuesday, August 08, 2006

USSR basketball team

(click the image to expand)

Here is what I imagine the USSR basketball team would wear if they were not abolished in 1991.
the union of Soviet Socialist republics had a proud sporting history and I thought it would be nice to visualise what they might look like if they were still competing today.

The home jerseys are on the right and the away jerseys on the left. My name appears on the back of the jersey however in reality being Australian I would be ineligible for the Soviet team.

Monday, August 07, 2006

This is me

Everyone else injects heroin around me. But I'm not the person injecting heroin. I am the loser in the group that is not sharing needles. I am the loser who is not down with it. I'm the guy who finds out last. Why do I manage to isolate myself with every single chance I get? Why is it that when certain people trying get close to me I don't want to know them.

Do I push people away to protect myself? Am I by nature is someone that struggles with intimacy? I am totally empty and devoid. Why do I repel every female that shows the slightest interest in me? I've never been in relationship. I have never wanted to be in one. I hate the idea of being in relationship. I hate to be trapped, caged and held against my will. Who doesn't?

My emotions come in a sudden wave approximately 10 to 15 seconds. During this time I am despicable, detestable and the worst person on the face of the earth. Then they are quickly forgotten. Why are they forgotten so quickly? Is this totally convincing fantasy too much for my mind? How can my manifestations be too difficult and embarrassing for me to process? So much so I need to push out every emotion I have? Sometimes I need to stop in the middle of what I'm doing just to stop the embarrassment. Transcending into deep thought is behaviour that is not conducive in a group situation.

If I forget every small and intense feeling I have, then how do I know I really have them? Does everyone have these intense feelings? If so how do they deal with it? I have never seen anyone stop to ponder what they're thinking about. I do it every single day. For five seconds I have nothing but hatred for myself. The only perception affected by the sudden intense feelings is my own. All I can think about during one of these daily pauses is how I am perceived through other's eyes. The flashback is only proceed through my own. How does that make any sense? Why does my brain and thought processes work in such a fundamentally flawed way?

I have to stop isolating myself. I have to view my actions through my own eyes. I have to stop letting what others think affect me so greatly. I have to understand the difference between the situation and my perception of the situation. This is my struggle, my battle and often it's the blocking issue when I am attempting to achieve my potential.

Sunday, August 06, 2006

An acceptable drug use policy

I have always found it interesting the way society views drugs. Drug use and abuse is widespread throughout all facets of society. Essentially drug use falls into two different categories. These categories are socially acceptable drug use and socially unacceptable drug use. I often ponder the difference between the two.

At its heart, the difference between socially acceptable drugs and socially unacceptable drugs needs to be explored. Everybody is familiar with unacceptable drugs. The following is a list of drugs that are regarded as socially unacceptable.

  • Marijuana
  • Heroin
  • Cocaine
  • amphetamines

The list goes beyond the aforementioned however these 4 are drugs you would term commonplace. More significantly, here is a list of drugs that are abused and acceptable within society.

  • Alcohol
  • painkillers and other pharmaceuticals
  • Tobacco

So what makes these drugs acceptable? Why does society get up on its high horse about drug use while it drinks itself is stupid? If the legal drugs are abused just like the socially unacceptable drugs are abused what could possibly be the difference? There are a number of factors. Firstly a lot of these drugs are associated with big business. Alcoholic beverage manufacturing is a massive industry with an Australia. A survey conducted by the Australian bureau of statistics revealed that the average Australian spends $15 a week on alcoholic beverages. This equates to $1.5 billion industry per year. With 57% of all people surveyed revealing that they have consumed an alcoholic beverage in the last week. Such an industry not only has a huge income but also has a huge sway with governments and legislation. The same can be said for pharmaceuticals and tobacco.

This massive industry is built on the back of what is a drinking culture in Australia. The Brewers themselves are often the first people to tap in to this so-called drinking identity that we seem to have. This is prevalent throughout both television and print media advertisements.

Accepting certain drugs into a culture is fine. However the selection process used seems to be flawed. In Australia more people die from alcohol-related illness than any other in the country. I would speculate that if marijuana and cocaine were legalised (which marijuana practically is in Australia) that there would still be more alcohol-related deaths in any other drug combined.

It seems a little strange to us to be focusing so intently on this "war on drugs" when there are so many other people dying from drugs that are legal. Surely taxpayer money would be better spent on the legal drugs that are killing is rather than using illegal drugs as a scapegoat. This can't happen, we can't vilify legal and socially acceptable drugs. Brewers and tobacco companies would not allow us to do this so we continue to use and view these illegal drugs as the villain. It's always ironic to see people claim they don't use drugs even whilst drinking and smoking. Alcohol and tobacco simply don't fall under this mantle of "drugs". It's because of this very reason that makes both alcohol and tobacco is so dangerous to society. From a physical standpoint they are just as detrimental if not more detrimental than some outlawed drugs.

Part of the problem here is availability. Alcohol is available everywhere and from a very early age people are encouraged by society to drink up. However it is availability and social acceptance that causes people to greatly underestimate the detrimental effects to health that alcohol creates. Because of this reason alone alcohol is a far more destructive drug than marijuana, six cocaine or any kind of amphetamine.

If we are to protect our society and the people in from the dangers of alcohol consumption there needs to be more money spent on awareness and support programs for problem drinkers. Currently people are encouraged to drink while other drugs are vilified. This situation is nothing but farcical.

It can be argued that drinking is the choice of the individual and matter how many government funded programs exist it's still ultimately the individual's decision. This is partly true however, like everything there needs to be a balance is a compromise and at the moment the government are simply not doing enough to educate the population on this issue. This education must strive to illustrate dangers of alcohol use and almost scare the population into not drinking excessively.


Thursday, August 03, 2006

The Lake

There is a lake near where I live. I like to spend time sitting by this lake to clear my head. The lake is surrounded by trees and a muddy bank. Sometimes a thick fog gathers over the lake making the water difficult to see. The lake looks still, cold and dark and when I peer into it I see mystery in its murky waters. It's a strange lake, not very deep but sometimes sitting next to it frightens me. It’s an exciting fear, a fear that I enjoy exploring. When I leave the lake I can take the fear with me however, sometimes I feels as though I have lost a part of myself to the lake. A part of me breaks off; a part of my soul. As that part of my soul gently floats down to the bottom of the lake it gets covered in mud and sediment; forgotten like everything else cast into its depths.

How many other parts of people lie at the bottom of this lake? If I was brave enough to go swimming in the lake what would I find? What secrets would be revealed? Would I find more of the fear that I experience with the lake? Or would I find a gamut of other emotions that the lake has invoked? One day I will go swimming in the lake and I will find out exactly what is down there.

If I do find out what's down there will I regain the part of me that I lost? Or will that part of me be truly gone by the time I rediscover it? Will I even recognise the part of me I am looking for?

If the lake makes me feel fear then surely it can't rob me of anything. If I swim down to the bottom of the lake will the fear be replaced with disappointment? If I no longer fear the lake then I can recover what it has taken from me. But if I do that then the lake will rob me of the fear I once had. I hope what's at the bottom is more important than my fear and not cold like everything else.